I’m back… with a panic attack
Hello, I think I’m back. I probably am. Things with me have been… weird. But I think staying silent about this space I’m in is making it worse.
Today I almost had a panic attack. I’ve never had any anxiety issues. I’ve always silently been proud of the fact that I am strong but things have been getting to me more than I thought they were.
My son overwhelms me. The Husband can handle him but I am so scared to go to public events with him. God knows I love him. He’s at this stage where he is becoming very independent and it’s frustrating for both of us. He wants to do everything for himself. From washing himself, brushing his teeth, feeding himself, putting his own shoes, clothes and sometimes nappies on and off. These are all good things obviously – he’s learning so much but when paired with his head strong nature it overwhelms me when we’re at a formal type of function.
He overpowers me to get his way. Physically. From pushing me out of the way, smacking me in the face, dragging me along, running away from me. And I look like the mother who let’s her child control her. And sometimes I am. Itr’s not that he doesn’t listen to me or that I can’t convince him to do what I want him to. It’s just that he wants what he wants when he wants. I feel like flotsam in his wake. The Husband has no problem with him and I just feel like I look like an incompetent mother. How am I ever meant to handle more kids one day if I this one steam rolls me?
So all of this today just compounded in me feeling very claustrophobic on the train. I’ve never been a fan of being in a crowd, I’ve been uncomfortable but never truly anxious about it. Metrorail trains have been pretty crap lately what with people thinking it’s okay to burn trains and make people late for work. Even though they said trains on my line were running as per usual I don’t trust a word they say. So I broke my rule and got onto a train where there was only standing room. I would usually catch the next one but I didn’t know if it would be on time or the more than likely option: cancelled.
By the time the train got to Maitland station, the anxiety started building. I had earphones in and was standing close to the door but more people kept on getting in. And then just as I was about to lose it completely, I heard the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt say that “anyone can endure something for 10 seconds. And then you start counting again”. So that’s what I did. I closed my eyes. Turned Kings of Leon louder and kept counting to 10. Just as I got to the station before my stop my dad called and told me to get out there because he was close by. I almost cried as I fought my way out and got off.
And then it was done and over and I was okay.
It’s not that I’m unhappy. I’m just overwhelmed I think.
Look, things will get back to normal with both me and the blog. I have a few posts planned so I’m starting slow with one post a week and then I’ll slowly get back to my regular Mondays and Thursdays . I think I’m finding my voice again…
Also, I’ve changed the way my blog looks again to a more simplistic black and white theme. I don’t know what I was thinking with that gold. I don’t even like gold. A moment of madness it seems. I like this a lot better now. It makes me want to write and build this space again.