Ramblings

I’m back… with a panic attack

panic attack

Hello, I think I’m back. I probably am. Things with me have been… weird. But I think staying silent about this space I’m in is making it worse.

Today I almost had a panic attack. I’ve never had any anxiety issues. I’ve always silently been proud of the fact that I am strong but things have been getting to me more than I thought they were.

My son overwhelms me. The Husband can handle him but I am so scared to go to public events with him. God knows I love him. He’s at this stage where he is becoming very independent and it’s frustrating for both of us. He wants to do everything for himself. From washing himself, brushing his teeth, feeding himself, putting his own shoes, clothes and sometimes nappies on and off. These are all good things obviously – he’s learning so much but when paired with his head strong nature it overwhelms me when we’re at a formal type of function.

He overpowers me to get his way. Physically. From pushing me out of the way, smacking me in the face, dragging me along, running away from me. And I look like the mother who let’s her child control her. And sometimes I am. Itr’s not that he doesn’t listen to me or that I can’t convince him to do what I want him to. It’s just that he wants what he wants when he wants. I feel like flotsam in his wake. The Husband has no problem with him and I just feel like I look like an incompetent mother. How am I ever meant to handle more kids one day if I this one steam rolls me?

So all of this today just compounded in me feeling very claustrophobic on the train. I’ve never been a fan of being in a crowd, I’ve been uncomfortable but never truly anxious about it. Metrorail trains have been pretty crap lately what with people thinking it’s okay to burn trains and make people late for work. Even though they said trains on my line were running as per usual I don’t trust a word they say. So I broke my rule and got onto a train where there was only standing room. I would usually catch the next one but I didn’t know if it would be on time or the more than likely option: cancelled.

By the time the train got to Maitland station, the anxiety started building. I had earphones in and was standing close to the door but more people kept on getting in. And then just as I was about to lose it completely, I heard the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt say that “anyone can endure something for 10 seconds. And then you start counting again”. So that’s what I did. I closed my eyes. Turned Kings of Leon louder and kept counting to 10. Just as I got to the station before my stop my dad called and told me to get out there because he was close by. I almost cried as I fought my way out and got off.

And then it was done and over and I was okay.

It’s not that I’m unhappy. I’m just overwhelmed I think.

Look, things will get back to normal with both me and the blog. I have a few posts planned so I’m starting slow with one post a week and then I’ll slowly get back to my regular Mondays and Thursdays . I think I’m finding my voice again…

Also, I’ve changed the way my blog looks again to a more simplistic black and white theme. I don’t know what I was thinking with that gold. I don’t even like gold. A moment of madness it seems. I like this a lot better now. It makes me want to write and build this space again.

Share

6 Comments

  1. Kim Muller

    April 19, 2016 at 12:42 pm

    I’, sorry about the anxiety. I don’t suffer from it but I’ve seen what it can do. I hope you manage to work through it. As a mom to a headstrong little boy as well, I get it. You will get through this and headstrong kids make amazing adults (so they say lol). Huge hugs!

    1. Zayaan Schroeder

      April 19, 2016 at 4:20 pm

      I don’t usually suffer from anxiety. I just think a lot of things compounded and took it’s toll. But it also kinda shook me out of my slump which is good I guess. Thanks for the hugs xx

  2. Cassey

    April 20, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    All the beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg hugs.

    1. Zayaan Schroeder

      April 25, 2016 at 9:58 am

      <3

  3. Amne

    April 25, 2016 at 9:54 am

    Hi Zayaan

    It sounds like you have a lot of things on your plate at the moment. I think it’s completely natural to feel overwhelmed to the point that your feelings start to manifest the way that they have been.

    I have so much respect for mothers who are able to keep working through each day, despite the difficulties that are faced. I can barely look after myself most days – so kudos for you for being able to get up each morning and run with it.

    Know that you are not alone in this and that there will be people from all over the world sending you best wishes and reading and connecting with your story. What a beautiful thing that is 🙂

    1. Zayaan Schroeder

      April 25, 2016 at 9:58 am

      Thank you so much for your comment! It means a lot 🙂

Leave a Reply